And I'm really, really excited about it!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Psalms according to Betsy
I'm thoroughly enjoying the Bible study I'm doing right now, which is a workbook written by Beth Moore called "Stepping UP: A journey through the Psalms of Ascent". I haven't even been doing it a week, but I can tell already that God is going to teach me incredible things through this. One of the things Beth has one do with each Psalm we study is re-write it in our own words. Doing tasks like this has always been a big help to me because it forces me to really dig into what the passage is saying and processing it in my mind and ultimately finding ways that it uniquely applies to me right now.
Although it has been a surprisingly good day considering how things could have gone, I've been having a little bit of mental trouble. I think that God is protecting my emotional side and my physical side right now but Satan is putting quite a lot of attack on my mind. He's dragging my thoughts down into sad places where I just don't want to spend anymore time. So, I thought I would take the time to post the two Psalms I've rewritten so far in the study. Writing them one more time will only help to solidify them more in my mind, and that's the best way to get Satan out.
My Psalm 120
When stress overwhelmed me, I cried out to God and He held my heart as an answer.
God, guard my heart against deception and block the lies they send my way.
Watch out, you who lie and plot against someone, God will throw your lies and plans back at you, but they will become like the arrows of a warrior and flaming coals as they hit you.
The worst place for me to be emotionally is right where I find myself to be now. I'm surround by situations that ignore peace and it is wearing on me. I strive for peace, but when I mention it, their yells for more war drowns me out.
~
My Psalm 121
I look nervously at the challenges that lie ahead.
How am I going to get through this?
The Lord my God, the One who created everything I see, He will help me along the way.
He will help you to, to keep your feet steady.
When you are exhausted and weary, He who is always well-rested will protect you, just like he protected Israel.
He is like a warm cabin that is comfortingly near.
Legitimate physical threats will not hurt you, and neither will the ones your mind makes up along the way.
He's not going to just protect you from the cuts and bruises of the trip, but He will protect your very life.
And as He demonstrates His power and desire to protect you right now, know that He will continue to do so for the rest of forever.
~
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Challenges
Partly inspired by a friend's blog, and partly inspired by the Bible Study I am currently doing, I think I want to take the time to honestly look at my life right now and list the challenges that I'm going through. It might better help me to put things in perspective and to keep track of my progress as God moves me past each thing.
Challenge #1: Scrooge
I am realizing now what I have gotten myself into and that it is going to be a much longer 3 months than I anticipated. It is by far one of the most challenging things I've done creatively and professionally, but that was something I knew about ahead of time and was excited about. But it is going to be quite taxing emotionally and require amounts of patience that I have never known myself to possess. I know that God is bringing all these trials so that I will never be able to say that I did this on my own strength or in my own timing, but it is still a huge mountain that brings me to tears when I have to think about climbing it.
Challenge #2: Relationship Issues
It is a much bigger challenge to get over Adam's break up with me than I thought it would be. I cannot fully distance myself from him, and that only leads to more hurts. I struggle to find new friends and to get out and do things, especially on my own. All I've known for almost 2 years is being with Adam and staying home to talk to him online. I'm not opposed to going out with someone else, but it's not like I have someone interested. Most people are already in relationships of their own. And those things provide their own sets of hurts. I'm at a time in my life when it is fine to be single and most people are encouraging me in that but the bottom line is that I want to settle down and I think I'm ready for that and for a year now I've had a boyfriend who was leading me on in that direction and with whom I was making plans. It's hard to just let that go and face a big empty slate.
Challenge #3: Luna
There is so much riding on this and all of it boils down to how well I'm working with Luna. That's a lot of pressure on em. And even though I know that I could keep Luna as a pet, it would still mean starting over at Square One and that would be hard for me to handle emotionally, to get tentatively attached to yet another dog. Especially after seeing how hard it has been to come this far with Luna. It's just a tough road on top of everything else. I'm second guessing the timing of all this.
Challenge #4: Work
The job itself certainly isnt a challenge, but everything else connected to it certainly is. It's hard to remember that even if it is for only 15 minute increments, I am to be a witness to my coworkers. More often than not, that is really hard. The things these women say and do, especially in regards to each other, is sometimes pretty bad and I can easily get stuck in the middle. I need an awful lot of wisdom about what to say and when to not say anything and how to show Christ and His love to these people that I don't really even want to be around. And also with the job just comes a unique need for responsibility with a schedule that is always different and duties that are always changing. I have to really use the rest of the time wisely to fit in everything else that is required like walks, Scrooge, and Luna's training. And I really want to make an effort to have my Bible Study be the one things that does not get put off. It's become too important to me and I want to keep it that way.
Challenge #5: Friends
I lost my extraverted personality and socialite status when I lost my hearing. It's very much a challenge for me to go out and meet people and initiate conversations and take an active role in making friends. But I need friends - I need good friends, friends that aren't Adam - and God hasn't seen fit to just drop them in front of me. Maybe this time He wants me to take matters into my own hands so that He can teach me something from it. Sigh.
Well, that is all that I can think of right now. But it is certainly enough. I guess I know better now how to focus prayers, and also what to ask people to pray for me about. Now that they are here in print, the next step will be to see how I move past each one. It could be terribly exciting, so stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
A Book Blog
It is now September 1st, which means that our summer alliteration for our reading material ("our" meaning my mother and I) is now ended and our fall alliteration is about to begin. I don't exactly remember the summer one, but it was something like "The summer will be spent slackfully skimming stories and other semi-serious selections" which basically meant that the summer was the time to do our frivolous fiction reading to sort of bring ourselves down from the more scholastic material that the school year had. So in honor of those 4 months (wow!), I would like to post pictures of the books that I read that I remembered to take pictures of. There was more to my reading list than these, but I'll just focus on the ones that I documented.
In no particular order...
.
Some other books that are of note is that I finished the entire series of the Chocolate Mysterys, and I've ready 5 1/2 of the Aimee Ludec series by Cara Black. Please do not consider all of these books to be ones that I would reccommend. This post would be 18 chapters long if I took the time to write my opinions on each book, so if you are interested in one, please ask and I'd be happy to fill you in.
Now, because we are "Fed up with frivolity, the Fall will focus on factual forays but not fully, for fictional friends are always favorites."
You can look for another Book Post sometime in November. Happy reading!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Life Lesson of the Day:
Do Not Trust Other People -
Especially College Kids.
And I can say that because technically my senior year is over. I'd probably say it even if it wasn't.
*warning. the following post may (coughcoughWILLcough cough) contain venting.*
Last night was hands down the most important performance of my college career. I say that because it was without a doubt the most important one to me. I had directed a scene from Jesus Hopped the A Train by Stephen Adly Guirgis, and it was one with a powerful message that I knew would shake up the theatre department at my school because *gasp* it talked about God and faith and being a Christian. In a hard-core inner-city prison no less, complete with frequently placed expletives.
But it was the one thing that I have been completely proud of the entire 5 years I've been in college. It was my best work. It was my actors' best work. And it, along with 7 other student directed scenes, was being performed at our annual Theatre Works.
Every time there has been a performance at our school it has been video recorded. Usually by a couple of people. I have never once gotten a DVD back from a school performance (except for *one* that I stage managed because one of the actors' father took it upon himself to do it). If the tapes have gotten into the hands of our theatre faculty, they have never again seen the light of day.
The other shows at this school that I've been involved in I couldn't care two beans worth about getting a DVD of. One or two of them I was just glad to see finished.
But this one? This scene that I put my time and energy into for most of this semester? This one thing that broke new ground in our department and actually had a message beyond just a shocking scene or a good story? This one I want a DVD of. There are people that I care about that didn't get to see it. This is something I'm going to want to remember and share with other people because the message is that good and I'm that proud of it.
I asked if I could bring my own, professional level camera to be the main camera so that I could have control of the editing. I wanted to edit it because #1 that would ensure that it would get done, #2 it would ensure that I get a copy, and #3 because I'm just good at it. My teacher said I'd have to fight it out with another student because he is the one who usually videos.
I talked to said student about it, and he said he didn't mind at all because he hates editing. But then, because our cameras are almost equally professional and mine is being borrowed at the moment, we agreed to have him video it, but *give me the tapes so I could edit*.
That was how we left it the NIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW.
Then I clarified with him. Yes, he said. He'd video, then give me the tapes.
I emailed him today to ask when he wanted me to drop by to pick them up and I get the reply:
"Oh, I already gave them to [our teacher]. Sorry about the confusion."
Read back up there. Was there any confusion? We never discussed any other option! It was practically always him videoing, me editing.
I emailed my teacher offering to edit if she would give me the tapes and promising that if so, they would be done before graduation because it would only take me an afternoon or two.
I don't expect to hear back from her.
I don't expect to get the tapes.
And I honestly don't expect to ever see a DVD of Theatre Works 2009.
So don't trust college kids. That's what I learned today.
Especially College Kids.
And I can say that because technically my senior year is over. I'd probably say it even if it wasn't.
*warning. the following post may (coughcoughWILLcough cough) contain venting.*
Last night was hands down the most important performance of my college career. I say that because it was without a doubt the most important one to me. I had directed a scene from Jesus Hopped the A Train by Stephen Adly Guirgis, and it was one with a powerful message that I knew would shake up the theatre department at my school because *gasp* it talked about God and faith and being a Christian. In a hard-core inner-city prison no less, complete with frequently placed expletives.
But it was the one thing that I have been completely proud of the entire 5 years I've been in college. It was my best work. It was my actors' best work. And it, along with 7 other student directed scenes, was being performed at our annual Theatre Works.
Every time there has been a performance at our school it has been video recorded. Usually by a couple of people. I have never once gotten a DVD back from a school performance (except for *one* that I stage managed because one of the actors' father took it upon himself to do it). If the tapes have gotten into the hands of our theatre faculty, they have never again seen the light of day.
The other shows at this school that I've been involved in I couldn't care two beans worth about getting a DVD of. One or two of them I was just glad to see finished.
But this one? This scene that I put my time and energy into for most of this semester? This one thing that broke new ground in our department and actually had a message beyond just a shocking scene or a good story? This one I want a DVD of. There are people that I care about that didn't get to see it. This is something I'm going to want to remember and share with other people because the message is that good and I'm that proud of it.
I asked if I could bring my own, professional level camera to be the main camera so that I could have control of the editing. I wanted to edit it because #1 that would ensure that it would get done, #2 it would ensure that I get a copy, and #3 because I'm just good at it. My teacher said I'd have to fight it out with another student because he is the one who usually videos.
I talked to said student about it, and he said he didn't mind at all because he hates editing. But then, because our cameras are almost equally professional and mine is being borrowed at the moment, we agreed to have him video it, but *give me the tapes so I could edit*.
That was how we left it the NIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW.
Then I clarified with him. Yes, he said. He'd video, then give me the tapes.
I emailed him today to ask when he wanted me to drop by to pick them up and I get the reply:
"Oh, I already gave them to [our teacher]. Sorry about the confusion."
Read back up there. Was there any confusion? We never discussed any other option! It was practically always him videoing, me editing.
I emailed my teacher offering to edit if she would give me the tapes and promising that if so, they would be done before graduation because it would only take me an afternoon or two.
I don't expect to hear back from her.
I don't expect to get the tapes.
And I honestly don't expect to ever see a DVD of Theatre Works 2009.
So don't trust college kids. That's what I learned today.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
My Grandpa's Chair
To everyone else it's just an ordinary recliner. It's big, brown, and puffy which is really all you could ever want in a chair with huge pockets on the side to hold various reading and writing materials. But it's no ordinary recliner.
I've known this recliner my entire life. Visits to my grandparents in Florida were filled with waiting for the moment Grandpa would stand up and walk to the other room so I could pounce and climb my way up on it, letting it engulf me in ways that only big, brown, puffy recliners can engulf little girls. Then Grandpa would come back and tickle me and I'd scramble out.
I can remember sitting in the chair and trying my hardest to push the arms in the way that made the foot rest pop up. I was never strong enough, and Grandpa would have to come around behind me and push them for me. Even when I was strong enough I would pretend that I wasn't so that Grandpa would have to come around behind me and push them for me.
He stopped smoking a pipe very early on in my memories, but I'm still convinced that if you turn your head just so and sniff at just the right spot you can catch the scent of tobacco that takes you back to the days when you were sitting on his lap in that recliner while he watched golf on TV.
Mom was going to get rid of the recliner. I happened across it and claimed it for myself when no one else wanted it. It has a prominent place in my office now; its the chair I go to for all the comfort reading, writing, and studying I do. That chair has always meant a lot to me and I don't think I'll ever give it up.
To me, it's an extraordinary recliner.
I've known this recliner my entire life. Visits to my grandparents in Florida were filled with waiting for the moment Grandpa would stand up and walk to the other room so I could pounce and climb my way up on it, letting it engulf me in ways that only big, brown, puffy recliners can engulf little girls. Then Grandpa would come back and tickle me and I'd scramble out.
I can remember sitting in the chair and trying my hardest to push the arms in the way that made the foot rest pop up. I was never strong enough, and Grandpa would have to come around behind me and push them for me. Even when I was strong enough I would pretend that I wasn't so that Grandpa would have to come around behind me and push them for me.
He stopped smoking a pipe very early on in my memories, but I'm still convinced that if you turn your head just so and sniff at just the right spot you can catch the scent of tobacco that takes you back to the days when you were sitting on his lap in that recliner while he watched golf on TV.
Mom was going to get rid of the recliner. I happened across it and claimed it for myself when no one else wanted it. It has a prominent place in my office now; its the chair I go to for all the comfort reading, writing, and studying I do. That chair has always meant a lot to me and I don't think I'll ever give it up.
To me, it's an extraordinary recliner.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
the Coxsackie Virus, Charlie visits, and Character Notes
Nothing like a good alliteration in the morning.
Well, its afternoon now, but I came up with it in the morning.
Yesterday I finally went to the doctor. Its been over 2 weeks since I got sick, and it wasn't getting remotely better, so off to the doctor I went. With my mom. Because I refuse to go to the doctor by myself and probably always will. I saw a different doctor than normal - a female doctor actually, and one who doesn't know anything about biggest traumas of my life - which was quite a refreshing change. I explained my symptoms and was feeling a bit embarrassed about saying for the second time that my only main problem was a horribly sore throat, that in reality only hurts in patches. I figured I'd get one of those doctor looks that said "its a sore throat. Take some Motrin. Don't waste my time." But she took her little light and looked in my mouth for all of one second when she said.
"Oh my. You have the Coxsackie virus."
I'm sure everyone reading this knows what that is. But neither my mother nor I was so medically inclined, so the doctor informed us that having the Coxsackie virus means that I have horribly nasty blisters all along my throat. It's known to be extremely painful and to last for weeks. She couldn't believe that I had waited this long to come in so she's going right ahead and giving me the strong meds now.
"Because from a look at those blisters, you need it."
So, I'm on a course of steroids - one a pill, one a topical anesthesia type thing - to try to help reduce the symptoms as quickly as possible since there is nothing to do for the virus itself. I have mood swings, increased appetite, and weight gain to look forward to for the course of the medication. I don't even care. I just want to feel better and not feel like I'm willingly participating in self-torture every time I decide to swallow.
In happier news:
I have to say that my favorite time of the week is a span of 30 minutes on Tuesday afternoons. After my directing class I have exactly half an hour until I have to leave for work, and every week I spend that time with my nephew Charlie. We play, we talk, we dance, we walk and look at things (the same things, over and over), we cuddle, we laugh, we snack, we use our imaginations, we play with the range of our voices and funny sounds we can make, we walk hand in hand. He is probably the only person that I can always make smile with a genuine "I'm beaming because I can't help it" smile and it warms my heart. He has no stress, and hanging out with him brings down my stress level. On Tuesdays, which are my hardest days by far, it is so nice to have that one half of an hour to put everything back into perspective by seeing things with the help of my favorite one year old ever. Thanks Charlie. I love you!
Before rehearsal last night, Megan and I were talking about the harsh reality of rehearsal notes. Sometimes at the end of a run through, they can be a huge blow to your ego, because most notes are about something you should fix or change, and so they point out all your flaws and mistakes of the night. I mentioned that this is when I as an actor have to remember to trust my director completely and to try to turn my perspective on each note into a positive one and as a way to learn my craft, and improve, and to impress the next time we rehearse. Rehearsal notes build my character in the practical terms of the stage play, but also my personal character and my character as an actor. It is a process, a journey, and when embraced as such, those notes are what causes something beautiful, influential, and potentially life-changing to be achieved.
God gives us character notes too. I met a friend for a coffee house chat and the conversation was permeated with things that God has taught each of us over the last year since we've talked, and what changes have been made. It struck me that personal devotions and corporate worship and your times with God in between are like the character notes directors give to actors at the end of rehearsal. God speaking to your heart through His Word or a sermon or something else and saying "I'm noticing this isn't quite right. Change it to be more like this, to be more like Me." It is a hard thing, a painful thing, because it confronts us with our own sin and our failures and gives us something we have to struggle with for a time. But if we can remember that we trust God completely as the director of our lives, then we can let these notes help us grow and improve in our Christian life. God's character notes shape us into our ultimate character - the person He designed all along for us to be. It is a process and a journey, but it is promised that at the end of our time, something truly beautiful, truly influential, and truly life-changing will be achieved.
Well, its afternoon now, but I came up with it in the morning.
Yesterday I finally went to the doctor. Its been over 2 weeks since I got sick, and it wasn't getting remotely better, so off to the doctor I went. With my mom. Because I refuse to go to the doctor by myself and probably always will. I saw a different doctor than normal - a female doctor actually, and one who doesn't know anything about biggest traumas of my life - which was quite a refreshing change. I explained my symptoms and was feeling a bit embarrassed about saying for the second time that my only main problem was a horribly sore throat, that in reality only hurts in patches. I figured I'd get one of those doctor looks that said "its a sore throat. Take some Motrin. Don't waste my time." But she took her little light and looked in my mouth for all of one second when she said.
"Oh my. You have the Coxsackie virus."
I'm sure everyone reading this knows what that is. But neither my mother nor I was so medically inclined, so the doctor informed us that having the Coxsackie virus means that I have horribly nasty blisters all along my throat. It's known to be extremely painful and to last for weeks. She couldn't believe that I had waited this long to come in so she's going right ahead and giving me the strong meds now.
"Because from a look at those blisters, you need it."
So, I'm on a course of steroids - one a pill, one a topical anesthesia type thing - to try to help reduce the symptoms as quickly as possible since there is nothing to do for the virus itself. I have mood swings, increased appetite, and weight gain to look forward to for the course of the medication. I don't even care. I just want to feel better and not feel like I'm willingly participating in self-torture every time I decide to swallow.
In happier news:
I have to say that my favorite time of the week is a span of 30 minutes on Tuesday afternoons. After my directing class I have exactly half an hour until I have to leave for work, and every week I spend that time with my nephew Charlie. We play, we talk, we dance, we walk and look at things (the same things, over and over), we cuddle, we laugh, we snack, we use our imaginations, we play with the range of our voices and funny sounds we can make, we walk hand in hand. He is probably the only person that I can always make smile with a genuine "I'm beaming because I can't help it" smile and it warms my heart. He has no stress, and hanging out with him brings down my stress level. On Tuesdays, which are my hardest days by far, it is so nice to have that one half of an hour to put everything back into perspective by seeing things with the help of my favorite one year old ever. Thanks Charlie. I love you!
Before rehearsal last night, Megan and I were talking about the harsh reality of rehearsal notes. Sometimes at the end of a run through, they can be a huge blow to your ego, because most notes are about something you should fix or change, and so they point out all your flaws and mistakes of the night. I mentioned that this is when I as an actor have to remember to trust my director completely and to try to turn my perspective on each note into a positive one and as a way to learn my craft, and improve, and to impress the next time we rehearse. Rehearsal notes build my character in the practical terms of the stage play, but also my personal character and my character as an actor. It is a process, a journey, and when embraced as such, those notes are what causes something beautiful, influential, and potentially life-changing to be achieved.
God gives us character notes too. I met a friend for a coffee house chat and the conversation was permeated with things that God has taught each of us over the last year since we've talked, and what changes have been made. It struck me that personal devotions and corporate worship and your times with God in between are like the character notes directors give to actors at the end of rehearsal. God speaking to your heart through His Word or a sermon or something else and saying "I'm noticing this isn't quite right. Change it to be more like this, to be more like Me." It is a hard thing, a painful thing, because it confronts us with our own sin and our failures and gives us something we have to struggle with for a time. But if we can remember that we trust God completely as the director of our lives, then we can let these notes help us grow and improve in our Christian life. God's character notes shape us into our ultimate character - the person He designed all along for us to be. It is a process and a journey, but it is promised that at the end of our time, something truly beautiful, truly influential, and truly life-changing will be achieved.
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